You may think you have crazy neighbors, and while you probably do, you make consider yourself fortunate after reading this.
I may end up breaking this up into 3 parts, in order to satisfactorily explain each group of neighbors without raping your eyes with 40 pages of text, because if you haven't noticed, I am quite wordy.
ALRIGHT. LET US BEGIN.
Neighbors family 1: The Maroon House.
Oh...okay...so that may or may not look a little blurry to you. I apologize. Also, I would appreciate if none of you try and use this picture and/or the one of my yard/park to try and stalk me. I don't take kindly to stalkers.ANYWAY.
So, the Maroon-house family lived across the street from us in a maroon-esque house (see diagram) when I was about...I don't know, perhaps 6 years old? I was young. That's really all you need to know about that.
The maroon family had a few kids, though the only ones I really remember were a girl who was about my age, and a boy who was maybe 4. They might have had another baby too. And at least one dog.
The first weird incident didn't even involve me. I had a friend who lived down the street from me who was my age, and her mom had invited the maroon family kids over to play in the morning. It was getting close to lunchtime, so my friend's mom decided that she would make lunch for the kids, and called their mother to let her know that the kids wouldn't be home for lunch.
my friend's mom: Hi! I just wanted to tell you that since it's almost lunchtime I was going to make lunch for the kids before they went home.
maroon-fam mom: Oh, okay! We'll be down for lunch in a little bit!
Um. No.
Those aren't exact words, mind you, but my friend's mom in no way invited this woman and her baby over for lunch.
And while that incident is merely a little weird, it gave a small taste of the weirdness to come.
My parents were at some sort of gathering, probably at my neighbor's house, the people directly to my house's right. Tim and Melissa had 2 kids, a boy and a girl, both several years younger than myself. They were also social people, and enjoyed having get-togethers with the other people living on our street.
So my parents are there, and so are the maroon-fam parents. They were all talking about something or another, my mom isn't entirely sure what led to this particular statement, but somehow sleeping arrangements were brought up.
The maroon family mom said something like this:
"Well, we all sleep in the same room, in the family bed. We have the kids' two twin beds pushed up next to ours and we all sleep together."
UM. WHAT.
That, my friends, is what we call CREEPY AS FUCK.
Who sleeps in the same bed with the entire family?! 5 people plus dog all in one bed?! I mean sure, there were times when I was little and I would be scared of a storm, so I would get out of bed and get in my parents' bed and sleep with them. But that was because I was terrified of storms! Not because my parents' are psycho!
Not only that, but how did these people have kids?!
"Honey, Mommy and Daddy need some alone time tonight, go sleep in the living room."
Or worse, did they just do it while the kids pretended to be asleep?!?
WEIRD.
Of course, me being 6 years old, I wasn't aware of these things yet. I didn't even hear about the family bed until I was much older and able to sufficiently judge these people and realize just how weird they were.
My mom, at this point, was already completely weirded out by these people, or at least by the mom, and didn't really want me playing with the kids. My dad, however, persisted in his belief that it was fine because I wanted to play with the kids (mostly because the girl had a really badass dollhouse), and he wasn't going to tell me that I couldn't go play with them just because their family was a little odd.
This led to the 3rd incident.
After playing and hanging out with the little girl at her house several times, I asked the girl to come over to my house and play, mostly because I wanted to show off my bed, because it was like a bunk bed, only instead of a second bed underneath, there was a little play area with a doorway and a window and it was awesome. I had my own little fort under there (I've asked my dad to rebuild it for me, only not walled-in, so I could put all my books down there and have a reading corner) and it was REALLY EPICALLY AWESOME, especially for a 6 year old.
But, strangely, the little girl never seemed to want to play at my house.
After enough pestering, she finally agreed to come over.
She seemed fine, and she thought my bed was super wicked sweet (if she didn't think so she was a robot with no emotions. because only robots could think that bed was not cool). And we were hanging out and playing under there when I suggested that she could sleep over, that way we could have enough time to create our club and draft a list of official club rules to post on the wall of the clubhouse under my bed.
It was at this point that she started bawling.
I had no fucking idea what was going on. I hadn't been mean or anything, all I had done was ask if she wanted to sleep over. She wouldn't stop crying. I even said that she didn't have to sleep over if she didn't want to (though why anyone wouldn't want to sleep in the super awesome-rad clubhouse is beyond me), but she wouldn't stop. Finally I went and got my dad, who called her mom, who immediately came over to pick up her sobbing, sniveling daughter.
The mom said "Oh, she doesn't like being away from her mother for too long."
And then they left.
I think that was the last time I hung out with her, because I was confused by her and her family and I was busy doing other things, like throwing sand at snakes.
The last major incident that I remember again had nothing to do with me or my family, but instead it had to do with Tim and Melissa, our neighbors to our right.
Tim and Melissa have two large windows on the front of their house which look into the living room. They had blinds on these windows of course, and the blinds were slanted so you couldn't see through them unless you're looking from a high angle.
One day, Melissa gets a call from Mrs. Maroon-fam. Mrs. Maroon-fam says "Oh! I see you've been exercising!"
There is no possible way she could have known that unless she made a point of getting binoculars, going upstairs in her house, and watching Melissa exercise through the blinds.
THEN, one night, Tim gets home late from a business trip, and gets dropped off in a taxi at around 3 AM.
The next day...or really the same day, because...yeah.
Later that same day, Melissa gets another call from Mrs. Maroon-family.
"Oh, Tim got in pretty late last night. Why did he take a taxi home?"
o_O
CREEP. TOWN. CENTRAL.
SERIOUSLY.
WHAT THE HELL.
In order to know that, the woman would have had to been up at 3 AM WATCHING TIM AND MELISSA'S HOUSE. AT THREE IN THE MORNING.
WHO. DOES. THAT.
See, if someone was up that late and happened to see Tim come home, that's fine. It happens. I know I've stayed up until 3 AM and seen people getting home or whatever. That's not the point.
The point is that she felt the need to CALL AND ASK ABOUT IT.
She was so beyond ridiculous. I almost want to go and find her just so I can see how messed up she is now, if she's changed at all or if she's still just as ridiculous as ever, corrupting her children one step at a time, even though they're like 20 now.
Those poor kids.
Tune in next time for Part Two: The neighbors to the Left. Otherwise known as Where's Joe?: A Tale of Screaming Babies, Burning Plastic, and Other Foul Mouthed Charades.
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