My friend Max just had a birthday party.
He's a rather odd (read: awesome) person, and he and his parents own the most disgusting/ridiculous/insane horror movies ever. It's basically their family passion.
So, for his birthday, Max had some friends over and we all watched some of Max's favorite horror movies. Well...the first one was one of his favorites, because it is literally the goriest movie ever AND it's set in New Zealand AND it was directed by Peter Jackson, who is the same bad ass mother fucker who directed the Lord of the Rings movies. So its basically a big fucking deal. Its called Dead Alive, if you're interested. Which you shouldn't be, because it was disgusting. In an awesome sort of way.
The second movie was called Poultrygeist, which was literally the most terrible musical ever made ever in the world. It was made with like, zero budget. Not kidding. Max said that no one was paid for doing it except for the camera-man and the sound guy I think...oh and the two main actors got like $50 or something ridiculous. yeah. It was bad.
We also watched Cabin Fever 2, which I really wanted to keep watching, but me and Ben had to go because we're waking up early in the morning to go deliver papers. So I only got to see part of that, and I want to know if the main guy and girl end up dying or not. Probably yes, but you never know.
ANYWAY.
I came to the conclusion that I could never last in a horror movie.
I wouldn't be the first to die, because I'm not a slut/bitch, nor am I fat or black.
Even if I was one half of the romantic sub-plot, the two people who almost never die in horror movies, I would probably die. Even when the rest of the entire world is dying and suddenly bursts into flames, the romantic sub-plot participants always accidentally do whatever it takes to not die, unless it's Cabin Fever 2, in which case I'm pretty sure everyone ever dies in the grossest way possible (jk, the people in Dead Alive die the grossest deaths possible. Cabin Fever 2 is indeed disgusting, but I think Dead Alive wins for creativity and for the sheer amount of gore).
But seriously. I wouldn't be able to do any of the necessary things to save myself/others. You're arm is filled with a terrible flesh-eating virus and you need me to cut it off with a saw and then cauterize the wound with a blowtorch and then wrap it in duct tape? Sorry, I would probably pass out. And if I'm in a house full of zombies, I wouldn't have the balls to stuff a zombie-baby in the blender, or a zombie head, nor would I have the balls to not kill myself when my boyfriend's super-zombie giant raptor mother tries to shove me off the roof after sucking my boyfriend back into her womb. I'd just jump at that point. I'm not dealing with that shit.
I would probably just end up hindering whatever group I was with, because while everyone else in the group would transform into badass zombie-killers of the century, I would just carry a bat for show and I would probably end up looking like Wendy from The Shining (the one with Jack Nicholson who is a creep and a half in that movie) whenever I had to swing it.
Skip to about 3:41, that's right before the bat swinging starts.
Though honestly, you sort of want him to win, because she is fucking annoying. She swings the bat 41 times. I counted. Not only does she swing it 41 times, she only ever hits him twice. TWO TIMES OUT OF FOURTY-ONE. That is a terrible batting average!
Anyway, my point is that I wouldn't have the balls to actually hit anyone. I'd probably just cry and hold the bat, maybe give a few warning swings, or at least hold it menacingly (and hopefully I'll hold it properly, I'm not THAT retarded where I would hold it in the middle. Idiot).
I just don't think I have the balls to handle all the blood and guts and stuff.
Though, you know, maybe I would. Maybe if the zombie apocalypse ever comes, I would turn into this badass zombie killing machine, and no one would expect it because I'm the size of a 10 year old.
Just don't ask me to saw off your arm. Because then I would go from badass zombie killing machine (or BAZKM, or bazkam, if you will) to blubbering idiot, and I wouldn't be able to do it. If I DID do it, I would inevitably fuck it up and fail wildly and somehow end up killing myself with the table saw instead (did I mention it was a table saw? Yeah. gross as hell).
At least that way I wouldn't have to trip over nothing while the killer is chasing me. Girls in horror movies ALWAYS seem to trip. How did humans ever survive if it's a woman's natural instinct to fall down when a predator is after her?
Knowing my luck, that is exactly what would happen to me.
Lets hope I don't have to run from any killers in my life.
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